Eastern Meditations

There be one primal fixed and irremovable law in the way of the parent: it is easier to count all the pomegranate seeds in all the pomegranates in the seven kingdoms than it is to make a child sleep who hath not sleep in him.  Thou must remember this fact at 4 in the blessed morning, when thy child hath already been awake for an hour, on a trans-pacific voyage when the clocks moveth back an hour every night for three nights.  It is not thy child’s fault that three used to be six.

Walking Noah around in the evening trying to keep him up so as to sleep longer

The second primal fixed and irremovable law is that said child will be lonely and will not tolerate your trying to sleep while said child “plays quietly alone.”  To the extent that thou endeavorest to get some more shut-eye, thy child will likely beat thy person about the head with his feet or with pillows to make thee “play with me, daddy!”  

A hair-raising stretch

The third primal fixed and irremovable law is that thy child, like all children, is a child of the daylight and loveth the sun and hath yet to grow into the more subtle love and respect for the time of darkness which age bringeth and thus thy child will invariably desire to have on all the lights in the damn cabin.

This is the darkest hour in the way of the parent.  Thou wilt rend thy garments and tear out thy hair in frustration, and thy child will but laugh in glee the whole time.  It is now that thou must remember the sacred commitment thou hast made to safeguard thy child’s person from harm, especially harm that thou thyself longest to inflict.  

It is not permissible to beat thy child, no more now than at any other time, no matter how much joy thou mightst acquire in doing so.  Recall thy basic aim of lulling thy child toward slumber, which thou wouldst defeat by pummeling him.  Remember the ancient koan: a hungry tiger, the sea in storm, a beaten child: none of these will get a wink tonight, and neither will the villagers.

It is not permissible to suggest a walk on the deck “to see how high the railings go.”

It is not permissible to employ soporific pharmaceuticals in any way except as directed by a physician.  Yes, children’s benadryl doth taste of candy, but candy it is not.  

Duct tape is right out.

It is permissible in these circumstances to have recourse to screen time.

It is permissible to awaken thy spouse after a suitable interval of doing thy duty and before thou completely losest it entirely.

Remember, Grasshopper, in this dark, dark hour that thou art blessed: thy child is happy and healthy, and thou canst sleep when thou art dead.